: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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