I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
