She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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