I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
