I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
