elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
