i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
