Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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