the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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