Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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