Jerry, you need to find god
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
