I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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