I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
