At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize