I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
