So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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