Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
