I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
