You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
