So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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