If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
