walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That was before I lit my hair on fire
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
