I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize