FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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