sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
