I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
