I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
