Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
