Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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