The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
