i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
