forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
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