I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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