is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
