4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
