just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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