So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
