I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
