wanna go halves on a baby?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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