just tell him i said nine months
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize