so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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