sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
