What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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