Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
