Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
