I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize