For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
