I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
