Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My balls are so social today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize