I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
