I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
