she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
