What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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