I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
