May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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