Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
