____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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