I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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