I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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