Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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