I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize