if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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