I hate your face
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Still dying that you shit outside
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
