i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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